The Marvelous Misadventures of Murtag and Eragon at Ellesmera Prep!
by Hedgehog of Time
Summary: Murtag and Eragon are being sent to Ellesmera Prep by their mother to get a proper education. Watch as Eragon falls madly in love, Murtag temporarily loses his sanity, and their crazy vice principal Gallbatorix, inflicts cruel (and often hilarious) punishments on students for minor transgressions! Will the brothers survive the craziness with their sanity in tact?


Chapter 1: Onward! To All Out Wa- I Mean High School!

(Murtag's P.O.V)

Hello there, my name is Murtag, I'm sixteen, and I am a Dragon Rider. If your wondering what a Dragon Rider is then why the hell are you even reading an Inheritance Cycle FanFiction!?

**Deadpool: The fourth wall, fuck it.**

Anyway since my mom was a whore when she was young and my dad was a neglectful asshole to both me and her I have a half brother named Eragon who is who is two years younger than me and is also a Dragon Rider. Eragon looks like his dad, a Rider named Brom, and takes after the asshole as well. I on the other hand look like my dad, a Rider named Morzan, but (thankfully) I take after my mom. Yeah, my mom had a thing for Riders. Anyway, Thorn, my Dragon, and I are being transferred from our perfectly good school of Dras-Leona High to some fancy boarding school called Ellesmera Prep. Mom says that Dras-Leona high was "in a bad neighborhood," and was a "bad influence on her dear little boys." So there were one or two horribly mutilated bodies lying around, WHO GIVES A DAMN!

Anyway this the story Eragon and I's experience at Ellesmera Prep, how Eragon fell in madly love with a hot elf girl and actually got her to be his girlfriend, how I lost my sanity for a short time, and all the other crazy shit that went down there.

* * *

"How the actual fuck do you keep beating the awesomeness that is Captain Falcon with Jigglypuff! FUCKING JIGGLYPUFF!" I yelled at Eragon after our seventh game of Super Smash Bros. Brawl where he beat me with Jigglypuff for... the seventh time.

Eragon cowered under my wrath. "I'm just playing brother! Please don't punch me again!"

"Murtag!" cried Mom from downstairs. "Stop abusing your brother and get down here! Your blueberry muffins and chocolate chip pancakes are getting cold."

"SCREW YOU I'M GETTING FIRST DIBS ON THOSE PANCAKES!" I yelled jumping over Eragon.

"Ow! My face!" cried Eragon as I planted my foot on his face.

"No shit Sherlock." I growled as I raced down the stairs to my pancakes Eragon hot on my heels. "No fair! They're for both of us!" cried Eragon.

"You wanna claim them bitch!" I cried drawing my red Rider's Sword, Zar'roc.

"Yeah let's go dickhead!" cried Eragon drawing his own blue Rider's Sword, Brisingr.

"Oh you boys!" laughed mom. "Fighting each other in a potentially fatal duel over pancakes. How adorable." There wasn't a woman alive quite like old mum. She was wise, beautiful, and sat around on her ass most of the day! Ah the benefits of being a housewife. "Now come on you two. There are enough pancakes for both of you. And you have a long flight ahead of you what with crossing the Hadarac Desert and all."

"Well since Thorn and Saphira will be doing all the work the why aren't you feeding them?" I asked.

"Oh I did." laughed mom. "Two cows apiece generously provided by Headmaster Oromis!"

"I still can't understand why your sending us to that damn school anyway." I grumbled digging into my pancakes and muffins.

"Because of all those horrible murders! I don't want you joining some cult or boy band like that delinquent Justin Bieber!"

"Okay I don't want to turn out like Justin Bieber so that's a valid point." I said gesturing with my fork.

A loud thud outside announced the arrival of our guide, Headmaster Oromis. Why the Headmaster decided to come and greet two new students even if they were Dragon Riders is beyond me.

"Oh my, it seems as though Headmaster Oromis is here!" No shit mom, I just said that in the narration. "No time to finish your breakfast. You'd better get going or God will break your pelvis and rape you in the ass with a rusty screwdriver!"

"Bye mom!" cried Eragon hugging mom around her waist.

"Goodbye Eragon my sweetheart! Have fun at school. Oh I love you so much!" she said pinching his cheeks causing him to giggle in glee.

"Bye mom." I said hugging mom.

"See ya fucker." said mom booting me out the door.

"MOMMY!" I sobbed. "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE!?"

"You got big and aren't cute anymore." she said ushering Eragon out the door. "And your father was that abusive bastard Morzan and I can't get back at him so I'm taking out my repressed anger out on you. ….Take that."

"Mom can we come home when daddy gets back?" asked Eragon as he grabbed his bow and arrows.

"Eragon sweetie, your father hasn't been home for three years." said mom in a confused voice.

"But he said he was going to the store to buy us some beef jerky." protested Eragon.

"Your father said a lot of things my dear, like that he had protection." she said, saying the last part under her breath.

"Wait what?" Eragon and I said at the same time.

"Nothing my darlings." said mom sweetly.

'_**Hate to interrupt,'**_ said the voice of Headmaster Oromis's Dragon Partner, Glaeder, _**'but can we get going now? I think your pet dog is humping my leg.'**_

"Alright you two boys!" said mom in her usual bubbly manner. "Time to get going. Eragon, have fun. Murtag, don't have too much fun. And if you do have fun use one of these." she said holding up a Hefty trash bag.

"Uh mom, don't you mean a condom?" I said scratching my head.

"Murtag please." she said. "Wimpy," she said in a mousy voice while holding up a condom. "Hefty!" she said holding up the trash bag.

"Tick tock my new students, time is of the essence." said Headmaster Oromis in a bright voice.

"Bye mom!" cried Eragon brightly waving to her as he mounted Saphira, his Dragon.

"See ya mom." I said with a little half smile as I mounted Thorn.

"Onward!" cried Eragon drawing Brisingr so it glinted in the morning sun. "I said onward my valiant steed!"

_**'...Thorn, remind me why I chose this moron to hatch for?'**_ asked Saphira.

_**'You were completely wasted on egg juice.'**_ replied Thorn without missing a beat.

"Let's go!" cried Master Oromis, and together, our three Dragons took to the heavens with our poor pet dog running after Glaeder, heartbroken that his new humping tow was abandoning him.


End file.
